First Date Assumptions

When I was a little boy, my mommy said I was special :) Yay for me. She said I was unique! She said there was nobody else like me! My mommy blew a lot of smoke up my little boy ass. It's what mommies do... but you can't blame them, because the truth of the matter is that we're all unique. This makes human interaction absolutely unpredictable, and dating even more so.

The potential outcomes of any first date are so mind-bogglingly vast that giving serious thought to them is enough to inspire a Zoloft overdose. Instead, we tend to lighten the mental load by taking certain things as a given - making a few first date assumptions that, every now and then, come back to haunt us.

• We assume the other person is single and has been single for at least a little while. Here are a few things I've been told on a first date:

  "You know I'm married, right?" (WHAT!?!?)

  "I just got out of a four year relationship a week ago." (uh-oh!)

  "I haven't been on a date in years!" (UH-OH!!)

  "Yeah, I'm divorced, but I still live with my husband. Er, I mean ex-husband." (Er, I mean UH-OH!!!!!)

  "Well, 'technically' I'm seeing somebody, but the whole relationship thing's become so boring, y'know? I guess I wanted to see what else is out there, y'know?" (I know I'm so outa' here!)

• We assume the person we're meeting is... well... normal. Is that so wrong to say? You know it's the truth. Again, using myself as an example - here are a few of the nutters I've met on first dates gone wrong:

  - The uber-shy woman who made eye contact with me only once during the entire date. Why do I remember that she only made eye contact with me once? I remember because I'd never seen that degree of white knuckle terror while discussing Muppets before. (why were we talking about...? Oh, nevermind)

  - The obviously seriously medicated hyper woman. Another first: I'd never seen anyone move that much while remaining seated.

  - The obviously seriously medicated downer-woman. ZZzzzzzzzzz...? You still here? Hello? Ellooo? Ehhhh-lllllllllllloooooooooooo?

  - The should-have-been-an-Adams-Family-cast-member woman. Uhm... Say hello to Lurch for me.

But these assumptions pale in comparison to what could be the mother of all first date assumptions:

• When going on a first date, one assumes it'll be just the two of you on said date. Oh sure, the occasional wackjob will suggest bringing a friend along to make the situation less intimidating (Flawed logic alert! Flawed logic alert! This creates the potential for being inundated with multiple wackjobs - as if being stuck on a 'date' with one wouldn't be bad enough! I had a woman suggest bringing her best friend and friend's husband - to which I was dying to say "That's perfect, because I was going to bring my therapist and bookie - both of whom should be out of prison by then.") All but the most naive of daters recognizes "bringing a friend" on a blind date as a big red flag. It's a flight-suit wearing boogieman standing in front of a mission accomplished banner serving as an obvious clue that the situation will only get worse. Much worse.

::::: | Wednesday, Jul 14 2004 at 3:01 PM
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