Greatest American Hero

Come on, sing it with me... "Believe it or not... I'm walking on air... I never thought I could blah BLAH blah blah BLAH!"

Surely you remember the show.

Greatest American Hero was an early 80's TV show about an everyday guy who is given a superhero suit. When he wears it, he has superhuman powers. The comic twist is that he lost the instructions explaining how the suit worked, so he had to learn it all the hard way. Learning to fly involved many belly flops onto pavement. Learning to STOP flying sometimes involved a collision with a brick wall.

Ever since moving to Portland, I felt like the dating version of that guy. All men here should be issued a set of dating instructions. A manual - yes yes! We need... well, to hell with other men... *I* need a manual. Without it, I am forced to endure countless scrapes and bruises.

• Does he kiss her on the first date? "Yes." WHAM!!! Our hero hits a brick wall.

• Does he hold her hand? "Yes?" THWAP!!!! BAM!!! SCRAAAAAAPE!!! Our hero falls from the dating sky with a monstrous skidding belly-flop across the pavement.

• Uh-oh! It looks like he's interested in her... is it ok to show it? "Yyyes???" CRACK!!!!!SPLATTER!!!! CLINGCLANG!!!!!! THUD!!!! Our hero misses the landing, only to fling himself through a plate glass window. Shards whiz in all directions as Bill Maxwell says "I really thought he had it that time."

All I can say is, The Greatest American Hero should be damn thankful he didn't need the superhero suit to win over Pam Davidson. (Jesus - even people's NAMES were corny in the 80's!)

Then again, maybe I'm not doing so bad without the manual to this suit :)

::::: | Thursday, Aug 19 2004 at 11:52 PM
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